Thursday, December 29, 2011

Old Wives' Tale?



Well, my mouth has gotten me into trouble.
No, not with the eating of the 
Christmas candy, cookies, dips, etc.
(although there was a bit of that)
but with the kissing of the babes.
I have a nice, fat head cold.
Stuart has it too.
I have vowed not to whine,
but it is hard.
I am as sick as a man.
And that is sick to hear them tell.
Okay, I jest.
I am a bigger complainer
than my husband.
But, that is only because I am sicker.
I am popping Zicam 
and Dayquil/Nyquil
depending on the time of day.
Soon, I will slather my feet
with Vick's Vapor Rub
and hit the sack.
My mom always swore 
that putting it on the bottom of your feet
was necessary because 
lots of glands are in your feet and
it lends to a quick healing.
This advice comes from the woman
who told me not to sit on the ground,
I would get a cold in my ovaries.
In that instance,
I am not sure how or where
you'd apply the Vick's 
or if it would work.
I am pretty sure 
it would heat things up.
As weird as it may sound, 
I do put it on my feet
every time I get sick.
I feel like it might help
and it leaves my heels silky smooth.
That is so important when your nose
looks like Jimmy Durante's.
Takes the focus of your face, you see.
Now, to dig out the sandals.




Tuesday, December 27, 2011

What I Know For Sure-Christmas Edition

1. Unfortunately for Pa they don't make elf hats in XL.



 2. The best Christmas present ever is the $1 whoopie cushion.
It makes the little kids cackle.

3. Christmas is ruined when the whoopie cushion gets a hole.

4. I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world.


 5. I finally got around to watching Soul Surfer and Fireproof.
I loved them both.

6. I grossly under estimated Reta's girth when I purchased her Christmas frock.


7. Stella's Christmas hiphop hoodie was so small she couldn't even fake a photo :(

8. Sometimes Cub fans can be too hardcore.


 9. Heart heroes like to rock their battle wounds.


10. A new zoom lens is a very good thing for detecting "hot cocoa mouth" on pretty little girls.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Invasion of the Spider Monkeys



Stuart's mantra has always been
"no rest for the wicked and
the righteous don't need it."











A big family who works for food= one sweet deal.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Merry Christmas




We raise beef cattle.
Stuart has feeders and fats,
heifers, bulls, and cows.
One thing they all do is poop.
A lot.
That means lots of manure.
He scrapes the barns and then
he piles it up 
and spreads it on fields as fertilizer.
It does not smell good.
It actually smells quite awful.
Now imagine having your baby 
in one of these barns.
That is what Mary did.
She suffered the pain of childbirth
in a stinky stable.
Then she wrapped her brand new baby 
in rags.
That baby was a King
who humbled himself and
came to earth to save us.
He could have been born in a palace
but his simple birth
is a reminder to us.
He came in to that dirty, smelly place
as a gift to us.
He comes into the smelly, filthy parts of our life
and loves us. 
I can't fathom my life without my faith,
yet many times when troubles come
I try to do it on my own.
Then I call on him and he changes everything.
He gives me strength.
He fills my world with light and hope.
Jesus wants to be involved in our daily lives.
He wants to be involved in
where we go and what we do,
our simple, ordinary days.
I pray you know the presence of Jesus
who is the very reason for 
the Christmas season.
May you have joy and peace that only
Christ can give as we honor him 
on his birthday.
Merry Christmas everyone!

For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, 
who is Christ the Lord
Luke 2:11





Monday, December 19, 2011

Christmas Shame


Lest you be thinking 
I am all good and proper...
in case you think I have my act together...
I have a story 
I am telling before Abbie Jane does.
(She's been brewing on it.)
I am a work in progress.
I fall short daily, hourly, 
oh alright, constantly.
The tradition was 
we always went to my folks'  house
on Christmas eve.
On Christmas morning we would
open gifts with our girls.
There is 4.5 years total between our girls 
so they were all teens,
high school and college age together.
Yeah, that was easy.
Lots of hormones...
lots of mouthy mouths.
(Mine included.)
This particular year 
we came home from my folks'
and everyone was gabbing 
and moving about the house.
I suggested we open our gifts
right there and then
so we could sleep in
the next morning.
Wouldn't that be the berries?
They acted horrified.
You would have thought I 
dishonored Santa...
that I had dissed the baby Jesus.
They ridiculed/attacked me.
3 on 1 is my story's version.
I got ticked.
Super ticked. 
Okay, super duper ticked.
It is so unlike me to anger easily.
Uh, my blog, my story...duh.
Anyhoo,
they were relentless.
I was mad and I felt I was being "ganged up" on.
(Stuart was MIA.
He has learned over the years
when the hens start clucking bitching
get outta Dodge.)
My daughters started up the stairs to bed with
bells on their bobtails and laughing all the way. 
In my proudest mothering moment,
I yelled up the stairs at all 3 of my girls
"Merry F&%&$#@* Christmas!"
 They responded with hysterical laughter.
Nice.
I know.
I dishonored Santa.
I definitely dissed baby Jesus.
And they all cackled.
They haven't let me forget it yet.
I doubt they ever do.
Daughters, you need to let it go
because I have this...


 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,  and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.
Romans 3:23,24

So you ornery daughters...shuttie!


Aubrie Grace



Just as I was recovering 
from Maggie speed growing,
Aubrie went and did this...












Happy 6th (sob) birthday Aubrie.
You make my heart sing. 

Maggie aka The Gig




How do you go from this...


to this in no time at all?

 Dern you 25 years 
you move too fast.
Happy Birthday Maggie.
Love you so!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Changes



Today was Christmas with my siblings.
Normally we gather
in my Mom and Dad's big farm house
with all our kids and grand kids.
But life is different this year.
The folks have moved to assisted living.
Dad is in and out of a fog.
Stupid dementia is stealing our dad.
We are blessed though.
He is 92 and Mom is 87.
They have been wed for over 70 years. 
They have had an amazing life.
We took turns crying today
because in truth,
these changes suck.
We wouldn't have picked this path.
But, I am thankful
we have each other.
We hold each other up.
We hang onto Mom
and we love on Dad.
There is no one I would rather 
walk this walk with.
They make me cackle and 
make me forget the sorrows
for awhile.



I wish I had more pictures with my sisters
but I was too busy talking to take pictures.
It was good to see our little brother, John and his wife.
It was good for Mom.
Life sometimes isn't exactly the way we want
but with faith and family
we can do anything.
We truly, truly are blessed.



I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Phil.4:11-13


Saturday, December 17, 2011

A Christmas Miracle



In the Spirit of Christmas,
I ask you to help a friend out.
Let's pray for a miracle and 
let's do what we can to make it happen.
Miss Ollie has a boyfriend who needs 
lots of love shown his way.
 His name is Ollie also.
He is beautiful like our Ollie.
He has that special chromosome
that our Ollie has...
a little extra perfection.
This Christmas some kids have no coats,
and some have no toys.
But sadly, this little Ollie
has no family.
No mamma to hold him when he cries.
No grandma to smother him in kisses.
He lives in a country
that doesn't value him. 
He is in an orphanage and 
when he turns five
he will go into an adult mental institution
where most do not survive.
If you can donate to his adoption fund,
please visit here.
The larger his fund,
the more likely a family
will step forward and adopt him.
Maybe God will tell you he is your baby,
maybe he is your friend's baby,
your sister's baby,
or maybe he just the baby you help
find a family.
Even the smallest donation will help.
An orphanage is no place
for a baby boy to grow up.
A mental institution is no place
for a child to live.
Pray for this sweet child.
 Donate and spread the word.
You will make our Ollie
and her momma so happy.
 But even more so, you will make yourself happy.
Thanks and God bless  you.

  "Once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows what we know, and holds us responsible to act." Prov. 24:12


Friday, December 16, 2011

FYI



  •  I went shopping with my fave sister in law, Jamie yesterday. She is stupid in a good way. And she is a good car park-er. She finds the furthest spot and then only parks halfway in it. It makes it uber easy to find your vehicle.
  •  After lunch I crossed the parking lot and slipped... on a banana peel. Seriously, they really are slippery and look similar to poop when exposed to the elements. The More You Know.
  • Stuart took pity on me and helped wrap gifts for the first time in 32 years. They look terrible but I can't care. 
  • Eating the popcorn treats you bought for your mailman can send you into gastric distress. Cruel joke Mr. Poppycock.
  • I am driving one of the farm trucks b/c my car is being repaired from a run-in with a deer. I miss my heated seats and XM radio. But, I have the bonus of smelling a little like a heifer now when I arrive to my destination. Winning.
  • I cannot sleep because apparently gift wrapping exhausts Stuart so that he is snoring like a train and sleeping like a starfish in the bed. Oh, and well the popcorn consequences too.
  • My 9 yr old nephew, Chase also reads my blog. Now he wants to know what a Brazilian Butt Wax is.
Dear Chase,
     Some people have hairy monkey butts. They put warm wax on their heinie and then when it cools they pull it off and the wax comes off with the hair attached. 
                                                          Love, 
                                                                Aunt Janie
P.S. I do not have a monkey butt.
  • I am thinking PSA's may be my new thingie. It could be my way to give back. My pay it forward so to speak.
     Topics welcomed.
  •  I am helping with Aubrie's kindergarten class on Monday morning. I told the teacher in an email "I will be there with bells on. Literally, elf bells. It will explain Aubrie, for real." I am slightly regretting that email. Nah, I can't care.
  • UPDATE: I have realized Chase is 12. I am shocked that he has aged 3 years over night. He may need to talk to Marie Osmond if this keeps up.


Thursday, December 15, 2011

Celebrity here



I have been remiss.
I have not really introduced you to
the hottie that resides here.
I know Reta has it going on,
but the real Va Va Voom
is Brenda Bassette.
Miss B.,
B. Dog,
The B.,
or B duh B
as I like to call her. 
She was rescued from filth and poverty
several years ago.
She moved to a college apt. with Abbie
but was discovered by the landlord
so she became "my" dog.
Abbie's apartment was not 
the poverty and filth I am talking about.
Her birthplace was squalor.
Abbie's apartment was 
lovely and glamorous ...
you know, like all college apartments are.
Brenda is unique.
It is like
Brownie met Whitey and said
"Hey let's trade bodies", and then they did.
 
 
 
She got the long end of the stick with the trade.
Sister Dog is ripped.
I wish I had her physique.
Well, with the exception of the short legs.
But her muscle definition
is to die for.



She is timid
but has a bark like she means it.
Stuart is not a B Dog fan.
It could be because she likes to 
leave a big deuce on the barn floor
several times a week.
She is a giver like that.
He needs to look at it
with a positive attitude.
Before Annie became a mom,
she worked as a buyer for farm stores...
Rural King stores.
She bought the pet stuff that was sold 
in all the stores.
She was in charge of pet crates
and they needed a model.
You guessed it.
Brenda the Body
was called in.
I was at one of the stores 
just in the last few weeks.
I was looking for mouse poison
and happened down the pet aisle.
I know, not a pet product
but I couldn't find it
and thought maybe it would be
near horse and cattle stuff.
I looked up and there on the shelf was this.


Six years later,
and she is still the best hound they could find.
Why didn't I get her a contract?
She did it for free.
So now, if you are looking
for a canine model who 
has a killer physique
you will pay.
Her calendar is fairly open for January.
Let me know.


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

No thank you.



 I am approaching 53 in a very few months.
I feel bad about my waist.
I am eating better.
I am doing Brazilian Butt Lift.
Some days, a Brazilian Butt Wax 
would be a lot less painful.
14 days of vacation in Nov. 
didn't do me any favors...
but I am back in the workout saddle.
I feel bad about my neck.
Then I watched some TV.
It changed my attitude.
First,
the Hallmark movie 
The Town That Christmas Forgot.
Starring Lauren Holly.

I didn't recognize her.
I had to read the guide to realize
who she was.
Familiar but weird.
  She has morphed into Reba, 
and Meg Ryan.

Then I saw Melissa Gilbert.
Ditto.


 Then the final straw...
Marie Osmond.


They all look the same.
Looks kinda familiar, eh?
So I embracing the wrinkles.
I am owning the neck.
I may not love it
but I think it beats the plastic.
What do you think? 

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

My Christmas gift to you



I like to give gifts.
If I could I would give each 
and everyone of you a gift
to show you how I appreciate you.
You encourage me,
you tolerate me,
and you love me.
This interwebby is sorta crazy.
I put myself out there...
the good, the bad, the silly,
the mundane and dull for all to see.
You embrace that and I feel it.
Then, I thought of a gift to give you.
Prayer.
I will pray for you every day.
I have been praying for some of you
for some time.
But, I am going to pray for all of you.
If you have a special prayer need,
leave in the comments or send me an email.
I commit to do it for you.
God hears our prayers.
 
 
 
This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. 
1 John 5: 14,15 


Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. 
 Hebrews 4:16 


For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves,  in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. 
 Colossians 1:9-14
 

 

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Idiot



What happened to the 10th of December?
I tried to pay a bill online today.
I finally called customer service.
I said "I have tried to pay this online 
but it won't let me post it until the 11th,
 and it is due the 10th."
The customer service rep said
"Ma'am today is the 11th."
Duh.
Thanks.
Click.
Can you say late charge?
Craps.
 

Thursday, December 8, 2011

What I Know For Sure-17th Edition



1. I kept hearing a buzzing noise today. Like a dog, I kept cocking my head. Just as I was convinced I was having a stroke, I realized it was a baby toy randomly going off in the cabinet.

2. I have a 9 year old blog reader/fan. Hey Kynlee Paige. She says I am crazy in a good way.


3. I have never experienced egg nog. 


4. I adore Amy Poehler but I think she has doll hair.


5. The Waltons + Christmas movies make the Hallmark channel one of my faves.


6. As I buy Christmas gifts, I write them down so I remember what I have purchased. Today I panicked because I had lost it. I almost wept. It was in my pants pocket. Catastrophe avoided. Or, I could have just went through my bags. Duh. 


7. I painted my fingernails a dark brown and I have not bitten them since. Three weeks and counting.


8. I had a Diet Coke on my trip. It was terribly sweet. I didn't like it. Be careful what you wish for...or thankful. 


9. My favorite Christmas movies are:
The Muppet Christmas Carol
Little Women
Elf
Christmas Vacation

10. I hate to wrap so I am going to bribe Maggie to help do it.
Yes, Maggie you will... because you love me.


11. My sister Linda wraps better than Martha Stewart. Let's all be mad at her.


12. My fat jeans are too big. My less fat jeans are too big once I sit in them. My least fat jeans fit. My goal is jeans that aren't fat at all.


13. Two words... Michael Buble.
Two more ... Heck yeah.
Two more... Beiber fever.
Final two ...Whoda thunk?


14. I suspect there is a dead mouse in the stairway wall. I call it Christmas in the air.


15. My Christmas decor on the cabinet under the TV is messing with the remote's reception. The satellite works but to control the television's volume, you have to hold the remote above your head. This annoys Stuart but I can't care.


16. I am pumped about the new Sherlock Holmes movie. And the Chipmunk one too.


17. My name is Janie and I am a Tori Spelling fan. 


18. I may not send Christmas cards. If that makes me Grinchy, I can't care. 


19. I smelled a funk and I asked Aubrie, "did you toot?" She said  "yeah, I tooted real slow." Sheesh...I blame Grandma RuRu.


20. I am still being tempted by the stupid Pajama Jeans because they are now at Walmart. Help me.



314. granddaughters who make me laugh.
315. my car's heated seats
316. Christmas music on my Ipod, and on XM radio
317. a voicemail from someone who loves me.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

new trend




Planking was all the rage.






But now Ollie has changed all that.
Little girl is bringing 
about a new craze
that is equally good for your core.

Take that Jillian Michaels.


318. baby girls who thrive through adversities.
319. A Charlie Brown Christmas
320. an evening out with a dear friend


Monday, December 5, 2011

Take time



I love everything about Christmas.
I love the traditions,
the lights,
the decorations.
I adore the shopping...
the giving and the receiving.
I listen to the music even before 
it is acceptable to most.
 I love the family and friend time.
But, I want to remember 
what this season
is really about.
I encourage you to take time
during these hectic weeks 
to really remember.
Get in His word.
Draw close to the One who made it all possible 
with the gift of his son.
The son who was born in the manger and
died on the cross
so that we may have eternal life.
There is no better gift than
the gift of life that He gives.

For God so loved the world 
that he gave his one and only Son, 
that whoever believes in him shall not perish
but have eternal life. 
 John 3:16

Enjoy this holiday season
but take time to worship 
the One who loves you most.

My favorite Christmas song...

 

310. God's truths
311. music that makes me cry
312. quiet time with God
313. freedom to worship 

Santa, this is crazy

Dear Santa,
Oh, how I adore these.
 
 
They are in the new Anthropologie catalog.
$ 398.00 each.
Seriously.
Seriously?
That is insane.
I may be nuts, 
but I am not insane.
Therefore, I intend to make my own.
I have all kinds of trinkets
from my antique shop days.
The local junk store has stuff.
I am gathering and making a pile.
I'll keep you posted.
Tell me would you pay $398 for this??
If so, I have a ton of crap for sale...
contact me!


307. a good tube of glue
308. boxes of junk
309. Christmas music on the TV