Monday, August 27, 2012

Use It or Lose It Isn't Helping



I have come to the realization that I am not getting dumb.
I have already "got" dumb.
I have only one explanation... 
my nemesis Dead Estrogen.
I used to be an intelligent person.
I received excellent grades with little or no effort.
I spoke well and I could back it up.
I knew stuff.
I knew where Persia was on the map.
I knew Persia was now called Iran.
Currently,
I am not sure I could fill in all the states on
a blank U.S. map.
Honestly...
Maryland, Delaware, Connecticut
it is all a blur.
I am forever saying words that sound similar
and mean nothing alike.
Last week, on this blog
I said edition when clearly I meant addition.
I do it all. the. time.
I have jokingly said I have the 
vocabulary of a 4th grader.
In actuality, I have the vocabulary of
a dumb 4th grader.
ugh.
Last week I was talking to a friend...
yada yada yada
blah blah blah
(a skill I still master)
I was saying " I have a nice camera
but I don't use it much.
I like to be in the action and not the one behind it.
When I am taking pictures, I feel like I am missing the fun.
I need to take someone along to use it for me.
I am just not much of a picture taker."
 Seriously??
Picture taker.
Perhaps Janie, you mean photographer.
I have decided when I hire a photographer 
to follow me around to document my life
I need to also hire a public speaker.
I am getting a really smart one too...
one who has a 6th grade vocabulary.
Dumb or not, I'm fancy like that.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

What I know For Sure-25th Edition



1. I was dying to see Hope Springs. I loaded up my sister and my mom. It was not the movie I thought I would see. It was good but not hilarious in a Steve Carell way. Word to your mother...there were sex topics I would rather not experience with my 88 year old mother. Right, sis?

2. I have opted to keep the auto correct on my phone. Many of you suggested I remove it after my last faux pas but then who would I blame for my ignorance.

3. Two times I have texted that I am excited about something, i.e. a party, a lunch. Both times I have sent the text "Obama excited..." Truthfully,  I have no idea if he is or isn't. But, I am thinking no.

4. I recently watched Forest Gump. With my poor memory, it was like a brand new movie. I now want the sound track that I am pretty sure I used to own.

5.  I have embraced the LOL. I  criticized it right here on this blog and now I find myself using it daily. What's up with that?
Never say never....next thing you know, Jennifer Aniston will find true love.

6. We have some rain lately and I have been given a hose reprieve. I have read with the extra time. 

7. My mind is all over the place. My husband says I am "like a fart in a skillet".  I think he is a romantic flatterer.  Truthfully, I am a bit ADD (self diagnosed). I start a task and leave the room only to return later and think "dang, I forgot I started that mess."
I went upstairs yesterday morning after I had been up hours only to realize I hadn't finished making my bed. My OCD is being trumped by my ADD. Someone get me a DOC.

8. I have a habit of reading 2 or more books at once.  I tend to experience character overload and can't remember who anyone is or the story line. I recently read a book on my Kindle titled War Brides. There were several women in the story line. It was character overload and I could not remember who was who and finally made a cheat sheet. ( see #7).

9. In the book whenever something was good one of the characters would say "tickety boo". I have no idea which one but I loved that. The book was not tickety boo.

10. I have started using my cast iron skillet again. It never needs washed which is slightly disturbing albeit time saving. 

11. Yesterday I found a half of a bandana hankie in the laundry. That only means one thing...the farmer was out and about and caught without toilet paper.  Don't hate...I know someone who wears two socks per foot for this very reason.  I am not $hi**ing you.

12. The company that is replacing our mattress has yet to bring the new one. We are sleeping in a full, rather than a king. We watch a bit of tv and then I move to the other guest room. We no longer fit in a full. The biggest complaint I have is "my boudoir" is now at the front of the house. Our room is at the back and much quieter. My other complaint is I have lost the "heater" for my feet.

13. I have written numerous blog posts only to delete them later because I am too busy lazy to upload the pictures. It takes forever and I have things I would rather do. Like finish making the beds and constructing cheat sheets for books.

14. An all-night-long howling dog and his barking cohort have made me consider digging out the BB gun. Don't fret, I will forget what I am looking for once I start digging in the garage closet. (see #7).

15. I am very in-observant or is it un-observant? I can't care enough to google. I am usually freezing before I realize I am cold. Remember I went all day complaining about my loose,floppy sandal before I realized it was my leg was numb. Proof of this, is I have now solved the thinning hair problem. It is not falling out. My glasses have a crack and it keeps catching hair and breaking it off.
Anyone need some special shampoo for thinning hair? Apparently, I am an alarmist too. An alarmist with an eye appointment for new frames next week. Apparently I am also a problem solver.

16.  Baby Cliff is due in 8 days. His mom is trying to force him out with her unending task mastering.

17. I was backing out of the garage and hit my mirror and broke it  off.  When I went to have the new one put on they had ordered the wrong color and the wrong side mirror. Luckily, they are not in charge of replacing our mattress.

18. Everett turned 5 on the 16th, Caroline turned 3 on the 20th and Penelope turns 1 today the 23rd. With the edition of Cliff in about a week, I think we need an August Santa and maybe twin beds in December for my kids;)

19. Penelope had her first eye exam and she is very far-sighted. She has two pair of glasses on order. In pink. (without the Tigger stickers, of course) Obviously, if a crack develops in her frames it won't be a problem.


Now, that's the money!

19. I am not sleeping well . I blame:
a. the idiot outside dogs
b. my baby who is  still gestating her baby 
c. the lonely bed. 

Let's  have a collective "you poor thing!" And now a  collective "get over it... at least you have a bed. Or  2 ...even if they are little and unmade."

20. I am off to force Abbie into a hospital-ready pedicure and pay $30 to be made fun of for my little toes in a secret language. Korean or Vietnamese...it still hurts a little (toe).

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Golden Girls



Tuesday afternoons are one of my favorite visiting times
at my dad's Alzheimer unit.
That is the day that a sweet gal named, Ellen
comes to play music and sing.
The residents love it
but not nearly as much as me.
She plays all my old childhood classics
like Deep in the Heart of Texas
and 
I've Been Working on the Railroad.
We clap and 
I do my Edith Bunker impersonation.
Dad was even trying to snap his fingers last week. 
He is settled in and doing well.
He is content.
Mom has settled in to her new normal also.
When I go to visit,
I could look at Dad and get emotional
for all the things we have lost.
I miss him.
But, rather I choose to embrace the good.
He holds my hand sometimes. 
He talks about the cars he can see from the window.
I have also fallen in love with some of the other residents.
The staff is fantastic.
I never leave that I haven't chuckled or cackled
 at something that has been said.
I will share a sprinkling of the hilarity.
One day Mom was feeding Dad some peaches.
He looked at her holding the bowl and said
"well don't eat them all!" 
Linda and I died laughing.
There is a pair of sisters in the unit.
They crack me up.
Sometimes they are thrilled to see each other
and sometimes they are not at all.
One day they brought in the younger one
and sat her next to her older sister who cannot hear.
The older sister, I will call Maude.
The younger, I will call Hazel.
Maude says "How are you today Hazel?"
Hazel rubs her forehead like she is just not well,
like she is in pain and cannot stand it.
Maude says "Are you saluting me?
Well, I salute you too!" 
She salutes her and laughs.
I cracked up.
Another day I am sitting beside Hazel at a table
Maude is across the room in a muumuu covered in large flowers.
Hazel says to her "that's a pretty flower you have on your neck
and she touches her neck as she says it.
Maude say "is something wrong with  your neck?"
Hazel repeats " that's a real pretty flower on your neck"
again while touching her neck.
Maude says "does your neck hurt honey?"
Hazel repeats the same thing and again touches her neck.
Maude says " Well, I have a real good doctor at the hospital 
who can fix your neck."
I am chuckling the whole time.
I love them.
Another day a woman with a real Southern accent
(I adore listening to her talk)
says to the room of residents while waving her arm all around the room...
"Hey! Are all of you alright? Because I.am.not!" 
Cracked me flat up.
Another day she looked at me
 then moved her hand all around the table and said 
" Are all these chairs....er...um... electrocuted?"
I said "No, I don't believe they are." 
Try not to laugh when she asks you that!
There is a sweet lady who sings.
She talks mostly gibberish but is almost always pleasant.
She will say nonsense and laugh.
She is a sweet soul.
She was singing and talking one day
then stopped, looked at me and sang
"Did you know that you sucky sucky suck?"
My sisters and I busted out laughing.
I said "well, I do now."
Another day she was at a table in the lunch room 
when I arrived . 
She was napping but woke when I walked in.
 I greeted her and said
"Hi there. How are you today? You look worn out."
She replied "what?" in a gruff tone.
I repeated "you look worn out"
 and she snarled
"what's that supposed to mean?"
Ha!
 I just patted her arm.
Truly...I love these people.
I know my dad is in a great facility.
I feel blessed that he is able to live 
where they care about him 
and take such good care him.
Life may be different now 
but it is still good.
Silver Linings, baby...silver linings.




Friday, August 10, 2012

Can I get an amen?



My daughters have accused me 
of being dramatic.
How rude.
On Wednesday as I was getting ready to go somewhere
 I  became increasingly frustrated by the cowlick in my bangs.
After close examination,
I realized the hair was missing.
What the Hello Kitty was going on?
I remembered it had been weird on that side a few days earlier.
This was no cowlick tomfoolery.
This was time to call Bosley Hair Transplants.
Instead I called daughter, Maggie, my stylist.
She said it was not a big deal.
I called daughter, Abbie, my chiropractor.
She claimed it could be hormone changes due
 to weight loss or menopause.
Maggie looked at it and said there is hair
but it is short ..maybe re-growth
or maybe I broke it off.
Neither of them were alarmed
or concerned with my fate.
I called my buddy Jamie.
She knew what needed to be done.
She immediately started sending me images
of wigs for sale on the shopping channels.
Now, that is a kindred spirit.
For years I have said "make sure you marry for love,
because they all end up fat and bald in the end."
Little did I know it would be me that was bald.
Thank you Karma  and Dead Estrogen for that a$$ bite.
After all the dramatics excitement
I sat down at my computer the next morning 
and I read my daily devotion.
It was as follows...
 

        




August 9, 2012
Praise God Anyway
Mary Southerland
Today’s Truth
Sing to God, sing praises to His name; Cast up a highway for Him who rides through the deserts; whose name is the Lord, and exult before Him (Psalm 68:4).
Friend to Friend
I love the story of the woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. "Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today. She did and she had a wonderful day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. "Hmm," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today." She did and she had a great day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. "Well," she said, "today I'm going to wear my hair in a ponytail." So she did and she had a fun day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. "Yes!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!" Now that’s what I call having a good attitude. Attitude can transform anything and everything – thoughts, habits, and perspectives.  We can literally change our lives by changing the way we think. In Isaiah 26:3 (NLT), we find the promise, “You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, whose thoughts are fixed on you.” A mind filled with thoughts fixed on God will produce a heart filled with praise – and girlfriend, praise is a powerful tool in our spiritual arsenal. Praise brings healing to our spirit. When we honestly express our trust in God, then choose to give thanks, healing begins. Praise provides a highway upon which the Father conveys deliverance and blessing. Praise invites God to take up residence in the midst of our messy lives and becomes a free-flowing conduit of God’s very presence and power at work in us. God funnels infinite blessings into a life that praises Him. Stress and anxiety fade as peace floods the heart that is filled with praise.
 
 
Now that is God talking to me.
I am cool with my hair situation.
I will use the special shampoo Maggie got me
 and time will tell.
I may get a hormone.
I may go bald.  
I may take to wearing flowers in my hair.
But, no matter what...
I will give thanks for my life and the great blessings I have.
Even if I really do have thinning hair 
I still have Jesus and his salvation
and that beats any head of hair.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—
Ephesians 2:8
 
 
 

Monday, August 6, 2012

slacker report



I am getting to be a real blog slacker.
I can't care.
Yesterday was a pretty great day.
Awesome, in fact...
but I left it up to Abbie to tell the story.
 Go here to read all about it.
And follow her.
She's a chip off the old block.