Things that go bump in the night

 

 

Last night I woke in the middle of the night.

Well, it was actually 11:30 but I am old

and it felt like the middle of the night.

I needed to empty my bladder and I was hot.

I walked the seven steps to the bathroom

and started to unbutton my flannel pj shirt.

I was going to slip on a tank top.

On the way back to bed, I decided I wasn't hot

 and I would stay in the flannel shirt.

Just about that time,

I ran smack dab into Stuart, who had gotten up to use the bathroom.

I screamed in my usual vocal range of a 6th grade boy.

He very loudly yelled "Janie" and grabbed my forearms

which were in front of me buttoning up my shirt.

Then we hugged really hard

and kissed each other. ha

He said " I almost cold-cocked you!"

I said "you squeezed my arms so hard, I may have bruises."

I asked "why did you yell my name...

were you trying to warn me of an intruder?"

He said he didn't even know he yelled it.

Ridic.

And oh so scary.

In our defense:

1. we have one of those foam mattresses

where you cannot feel the other person move.

2. there is a night light in the bathroom.

3. he claims he patted my side of the bed before he got up and  I was there.

4. My body feels like a king-size bed pilow. Damn.

5. we don't limit our liquid intake before bed.

 

Today I put a night light in our bedroom

and I flexed a few muscles.

I won't be mistaken for a king-sized pillow again.

I am going for at the very least a standard size.

Oh, and I am serving salt for dinner.