Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Things that go bump in the night

 
 
Last night I woke in the middle of the night.
Well, it was actually 11:30 but I am old
and it felt like the middle of the night.
I needed to empty my bladder and I was hot.
I walked the seven steps to the bathroom
and started to unbutton my flannel pj shirt.
I was going to slip on a tank top.
On the way back to bed, I decided I wasn't hot
 and I would stay in the flannel shirt.
Just about that time,
I ran smack dab into Stuart, who had gotten up to use the bathroom.
I screamed in my usual vocal range of a 6th grade boy.
He very loudly yelled "Janie" and grabbed my forearms
which were in front of me buttoning up my shirt.
Then we hugged really hard
and kissed each other. ha
He said " I almost cold-cocked you!"
I said "you squeezed my arms so hard, I may have bruises."
I asked "why did you yell my name...
were you trying to warn me of an intruder?"
He said he didn't even know he yelled it.
Ridic.
And oh so scary.
In our defense:
1. we have one of those foam mattresses
where you cannot feel the other person move.
2. there is a night light in the bathroom.
3. he claims he patted my side of the bed before he got up and  I was there.
4. My body feels like a king-size bed pilow. Damn.
5. we don't limit our liquid intake before bed.
 
Today I put a night light in our bedroom
and I flexed a few muscles.
I won't be mistaken for a king-sized pillow again.
I am going for at the very least a standard size.
Oh, and I am serving salt for dinner.


23 comments:

  1. You are ridiculous and I love it. That's why we get along so good! I kiss your forehead in the middle of the night and don't remember. I haven't been cold cocked in a long time. I love it that Stu say that - cracks me flat up. Ok, I'm texting now too at the same time. : -P

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  2. My husbnd and I did the same thing about a month ago. He was coming out of the bathroom and I was right there. Only he was the one that screamed and I said his name and tried to calm him. Then we laughed, well at least I laughed pretty hard.
    That would have been awful if he would have decked you.....how would you have explained that. We hve been using those battery operated tea lights. We just put them in the hall and the bathroom. Just a little light.

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  3. Perfect! We've had similar shocks and we don't even have a foam mattress. Thinkin we should now. Our commode is behind the swing of the door, makin a kinda "stall" if you will. (Bet you won't. This is TMI, huh?) If it's occupied you often don't know, and get a rude surprise. I mean I guess folks who actually close the door behind them would, but we're not that classy. Hafta ask him if he pats to check on me... Doubt it.
    xo

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  4. you DO NOT feel like a giant size pillow! you're just so stinkin' small now that he got confused. this cracked me UP!

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  5. Maybe the two of you could re-enact that for a TacoBell commercial for Superbowl 2014. Some say this year's fell a little flat, but it certainly appeared to me they were aiming for a more mature audience.....

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  6. Ha, ha! I am old, too (way older than you), and sometime when I get up to relieve my bladder at 11:30 it feels like it's about time to get up for the day.

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  7. My husband kicked me once in the middle of the night, waking me out of a sound sleep. He says he was dreaming a dog was attacking him. I was unhappy on so many levels.

    Eleven thirty absolutely is the middle of the night. At least for middle-aged women who routinely wake up at 3 a.m. And are hot.

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  8. I am so thankful that my bladder was empty when I read this. I have laughed so hard! You and Stuart crack me up! I want that dang mattress.

    xxoo

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  9. Oh my gosh, sort of funny you know and you are "NOT" a king size pillow silly :O) I'm glad Stuart didn't hurt you. Blessings, xo

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  10. Wouldn't it be lovely if all of life's problems could be solved by an extra sprinkle of salt at dinner?

    I think it's worth a try, anyway.

    XO

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  11. Janie, you recounted this in such a way that I could picture it perfectly! We have these kinds of scenarios quite often and it makes me think there is a hidden camera somewhere taking it all for some crazy sitcom writers somewhere. Ann

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  12. Oh, I sooo get this. It has happened here, more than once. And I am sick of waking up in a sweat in the middle of winter.

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  13. Although you have been living life and not blogging much here lately...you STILL crack me up. We sooooo live parallel lives. I, too, have the body "density" of a king-size pillow! Yes, I am at the fluffy stage of life! ;) And...my husband and I pass in the night as we make our nightly journey to the bathroom. Years ago we (I) was up every 4 or 5 hours to nurse a baby....now...same time frame! lol Ain't growing old a HOOT??!?!?! :)


    Susan from GA

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  14. I love this! Thank you for sharing your scare...and making me laugh.

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  15. OH this was so funny!! Thanks for sharing!!!

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  16. oh my word!
    you guys are hystericl and sweet and just so fun!
    xoxoxo

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  17. Good thing you had already emptied your bladder!

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  18. I've missed you so thought I'd check in. xo

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  19. You are hilarious! Such a great story teller... It's a good thing I was already up for my morning bladder emptying as well or my bed would be wet

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  20. Oh my gosh Janie! This had me CRACKING UP!!!! You are so funny.

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Thanks for reading my blather. I read every comment. They make my heart happy!