Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Perplexity

Well, I am in a 
bit of a quandary up in here.
After losing almost 45 lbs.
I am in desperate need
of some new bras.
The problem is 
the over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder
is now going to be holding pebbles.
I am in possession of a couple of
Genie Bras.
They are not doing the job.
They give me a uni-boob.
I have made one trip to the store
and I tried on lots of styles and sizes.
I measured my circumference.
I measured it under the breastuses (as I like to call them)
and over them to get the cup size.
I should be a 34B.
I went prepared.
Epic fail.
I want a wider side and a cup that fits.
My cup either runneth over
or I had back fat squishing.
It is too hard of a chore.
Undress... try on 15 fuhreaking bras,
re-dress, re-stock my options and undress
only to do it 3 more times.
This is too much of a chore.
I can't care.
I don't want a salesperson helping.
Jackie was in tow.
She failed me.
I failed her.
We both left empty handed
and uni-boobed.
If you see me out and about
just remember where my eyes are
and keep your eyes focused there.
These hoohas are going to be one.
Literally...
one long, sideways, not-so bodacious tata.
Yep, I'm bringing sexy back.
It's how I roll.
 
 
 
 
 

18 comments:

  1. Words fail.

    You realize, of course, you could have posted this as a photo essay. But you didn't. On account of, you're classy like that.

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  2. Oh, I totally understand about not wanting a salesperson to help, but you should go that route, anyway. The salespeople at Victoria's Secret are slick, and you'll leave with such pretty things that it will be worth it. I would love to be able to shop there; I'm thinking it's pretty much Lane Bryant or nada for these 40DDDs...

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  3. SO...I'm still wearing my nursing bras, which are sadly too big now.
    I can't be bothered.

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  4. Thanks for the "heads up". (That's probably not a good fit of words, but I need to take make a similar shopping trip - and I share your feelings about a sales associate and I have no Jackie.) I'm sure I'll come home empty handed a time or two also before I make the sizeable investment - also probably not a good choice of words.

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  5. I share your problem. HATE bra shopping. Nothing ever fits and nothing is ever remotely comfortable. No bra wearing at home. Give me a cotton camisole and a sweatshirt and I am happy.
    Great job on your weight loss. I have lost 25 lbs over the past year and now am finding it hard to not slip back into regular old eating habits-and the lbs go up a little and drop back a little. A never ending battle.









    g

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  6. Okay...I bit the bullet several months ago and went to Macy's with the sole purpose of getting help with my newly shaped shapes. :-) I still haven't been able to bring myself to be fit at V.S. Anywho...I worried, I fretted and DID NOT want to go...but was tired of trying on bras with no luck and not knowing what to change to make it work. The lady was very nice...told her my story and she offered suggestions and brought me various thigs to try on in the privacy of the dressing room...without her. If I liked one but was spilling or pulling or whatever, I told her and she went out and brought something else back. Easy peasy. Do it....you won't be sorry when all is said and done.

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  7. Oh wow, this was funny, yet so familiar. I HATE bra shopping as well. Once I find out my size du jour, I stock up for awhile, but it seems like SUCH a waste of money - no one, well practically no one, sees them. I won't even go into underwear (which I know you have a evening ritual with :-) ). I have heard that Nordstrom's does great bra fittings, in a dignified, private manner, but I'm a Penney's gal and haven't ventured there. But I heard it on Oprah, so it must be true. Unis Unite!! Ann

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  8. Mine are doing weird things, too.
    I HATE wearing underwire, so I buy these bras that are kind of like sports bras but they cover up any back fat that sometimes hangs out underneath your bra.

    Bra shopping is one of my least favorite things on the earth to do...hate it. HATE IT.

    oh, how I feel your pain tonight. I went bra shopping a few weeks ago and it took me two hours and I came away with the same bra I've been wearing for a couple of years that I described up above. I don't love it, but it's sooo much more comfortable than those ridiculous things Victoria Secrets tries to sell us.

    When I had larger boobs, before kids, I used to invest in the "Oprah bra." Have you heard of it? I paid $75 for it 7-8 years ago, but it was the best bra I've ever been in. I bought two of them and WORE them out. You can go to Nordstrom dept. store and ask for it...they'll know exactly what you're talking about. :)

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  9. Ha, you made me laugh out loud. I have a solution. Try Soma Intimates. They sell a vanishing back fat bra with contoured padded cups and it rocks!!! The shaping in the front is helpful for well you know the droopy factor.... plus it is smooth on your back so no back fat bulges. I love this bra!!

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  10. I have solved the same problem ( YEAH LLU!!), by going to the store in our town that specializes in bras. I was professionally fitted- it is not as weird as it seems, and have been so happy with the results!! There IS a bra out there for you- but not at VS, ...and it's gonna cost more, but it is SO worth it!!
    LOVE the first comment- so funny!!

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  11. I just bought two new ones at a Vanity Fair outlet that were perfect. I only mention it because that was very unusual... to have it just work out... Hahah. It must have been my lucky day. I should have bought a lottery ticket too!!!

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  12. I haven't been bra shopping in forever and I too, really hate it. It's hard to find one that fits just right. I have never let a salesperson help me either...it just seems weird. I hadn't even heard of a Genie bra till you posted on here, but I did see them at Target today. Anyway, I'm gonna have to bite the bullet and do something before I totally wear out the bras I have ~ one black, one beige. What happened to all of the pretty colors and patterns I had before I was married and had kids?

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  13. When I read your comment that yours are now like pebbles, it reminded me of a friend I have...she had gastric bypass...I guess that does all sorts of stuff too ya. After she lost over 100 lbs, she said her boobs were like "a pebble in a knee high"...just think about that mental picture for a minute!!! :0)

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  14. you crack me up!! Personally I like those Genie bras. I am so over underwires and all that ouch. Sounds like you didn't get your measurements right you can do them yourself. Measure from around your back across the biggest area, whereever that is. You can do it with a bra on. Then measure underneath your breasts to get the number for your back size. You subtact the 2 numbers and each inch represents a cup size. For instance your measurement around your body and under the ta tahs is 35" then you would get a 36" and if the measurement around the largest area was a 38 then those 3 inches would mean a C cup and you'd look at 36C bras. The problem is from there a multitude of styles are out there to boggle the brain!!! Bali makes a nice bra. I have decided I like the uniboob look. I'm not trying to impress anyone anyway and they are comfortable.

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  15. You are hilarious ! I just love you.

    I bought a bra at Wal Mart tonight. The lady was stocking them and I was stalking her so I could grab one. I'm not sure if she thought I was a shoplifter or if she just had some issues of her own. After she walked away I caught her hiding behind the undies watching me over the rim of her glasses. Awkward.


    Anyhoo, after nursing three pups and being up and down on the scale I am partial to a good padded push up. Especially when you are in your dress up clothes they give you a bit of a waist.


    Kristen

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  16. Hmmm, still disappointed bout no pictures with captions... Good thing I have a great imagination. (Hope you're not too creeped out now!) ;-P
    I've been a pear my whole life so padded racer back bras are all I wear (to balance out my hips). But mostly I don't... Riders aren't sposed to be busty anyway I tell myself. Sadly, I've always called mine tiny goat sacs. Nursing my kids was definitely their heyday. Used Victoria's Secret water bras when I was young n dumb(er). Geesh - hot plastic water boobs! Now whatever Walmart has is good enough!
    Yay, you on the new healthy bod!!!!!! :-)
    xo
    weird me

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  17. I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate buying bras. NOTHING fits right. EVER. I have the opposite problem of you though...THREE boobs...as my cups runneth over.

    I miss you, Cousin, uni-boob and all.

    xo

    C.A.

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  18. Absolutely gadang-gadong hilarious!! Bbbaaaahhaaaa
    Shari

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Thanks for reading my blather. I read every comment. They make my heart happy!