Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Where Hope Is Found



I have said it before on this very blog...
some days I feel happy, some days sad
and most days I feel both.
I go back and forth, and back and forth
like a total wackadoo.
It is weird how in a 12 hour span,
oh heck... a one hour span... I am spilling sad tears
and then crying with laughter.
I feel mentally crazed.
I feel like a woman...
someone cue Shania.
I swear I am tired of my own dang self.
Today while driving,
I heard two songs back to back.
The first was Laura Story's Blessings
with the lyrics...
"When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home"
and then immediately after
I was singing along to the next
that had the same message...
"All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong
"
I know no dosage of Midol,
no amount of chocolate 
will calm my fears.
The truth is in His words.
My hope is in Him.
When it feels like life is falling apart,
I will cling to the truth that He keeps His word.
In Heaven, I will not grieve nor be discouraged.
All suffering will be gone.
I trust God will deliver me from my tough times
or help me through them for His glory.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.
Hebrews 10:23

Thank you for all your prayers and kind emails.
It means so much. 
xoxo

19 comments:

  1. You're not wackadoo. You're trapped in flesh like the rest of us, suffering the ills of the world like the rest of us.

    What sets you apart is your clinging to Christ and fighting for joy. I love you for those things.

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  2. I'm completely sure of these two things. 1. It's in the tough times we grow closest to Him. 2. His grace is always sufficient and mercies renew each day. Because I have been up since 2am I am also sure of a few other things:1. Insomnia bites 2. Anxiety causes wrinkles 3. Tv @ 2 am is worse than watching paint dry (especially when your house gets struck by lightning and your satelite is out) 4. Potiphar's wife was a lying whore ( thanks to no tv I finally did the right thing and caught up on my Bible reading. I love early mornings with God and I hate a lying witch.) 5. I prayed for you... For more joys than sorrow, strength and peace for each new day, and the wisdom to know the difference (say what??) I just always like to end with the Serenity prayer...it's always wise to have the wisdom to know the difference

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  3. Ps. Xoxo. Andwewill date when we return from the land of John's people

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  4. Love you, Cousin. Thinking of you today...

    C.A.

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  5. "" what Brandee and Micah said!

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  6. grief, mourning...it just stinks. bites...and is not fun.
    my cousin who's mom died in july commented to one of my ramblings..." Jesus is enough." which is true i agree.
    however.... i just wanted that 'old normal.' mom healthy and everyone smiling. i know you miss those things about your dad. darn this dementia!
    being human is such a challenge. hugs dear friend..i know this journey all too well, and clinging to the hope of eternity with Jesus right along with you.

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  7. God is truly who He says and I know that He keeps His promises. I know when everything goes smooth and life I a cakewalk I tend to be content. When it's not, I long for heaven. I get so tired of this lousy world. So hang in there my friend and keep focused on the one that holds you in His arms!! I love you and miss you! Praying for you

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  8. I understand the ups and downs from happy to sad,for different reasons but I still relate. Heck I cried in the shower this morning with no apparent reason. The strangest things sometimes trigger the tears! but then I read your blog and it calmed my heart a little. So...Thank you Janie for your faith and words and to help remind me to trust in god!

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  9. Janie, the years of my parent's decline were some of the best and worst I've experienced. My kids were still young and needed me and then my parents, who I STILL needed, needed my help. Everyday was a roller coaster and I couldn't get off. My parent's had to move close to me and live in assisted living, eventually nursing home care. It was heartbreaking to watch their decline, their fear, their pain and sometimes their anger directed at me, "the mean one who was now in charge". I tried to squeeze the good out of it. I could see my parents everyday, and I did. Couldn't do that before they moved. My mother wasn't always sure who I was when I would show up towards the end, but then sometimes she would remember and we would have a chuckle about it or just the ridiculous, impossible life we were now all living. Every day I would wake up with a pit in my stomach and cry for the "way things used to be" when my parents were "themselves". I couldn't have made it through those years without my husband, who regarded my parents as his own and the feeling was mutual. I also had to dig deep and believe in something bigger than me and that helped me too. Twelve years later I'm still searching for the "reason" we all had to go through this, sometimes I think I know, but I'm not sure I really know yet. I do know that as a daughter I did for my parents just what they had done for me when I was the one in need and that was a good feeling. Dementia/Alzheimer's, elder illness, it is all so difficult, but I'm betting you will find some precious moments that will come out of this part of the journey.

    I hope things smooth out for you Janie. Please take care of yourself too, that's the best advice I was given. Didn't always take it, but it is essential. I will be thinking of you.

    Ann

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  10. Hope is that thing with wings that perches in your soul!
    If I didn't know that my Savior lived, I have know clue where I would be today. Life is out and out hard some days. And I'm a flightier' not a fighter. My dear sweet husband is a fighter, and has way more sense than I do, and I believe he has a stronger faith than I do. Our struggle is a teenager, only 15 years old. He's the cows tail in our family of 6 children. He's been given a good life in a home where love is strong and belief in the Lord is the way we live. Always. He's been taught right from wrong. But ahhhhhhhh, he's so busy pushing it away.
    I'm hanging on to the knot at the end of the rope, and every other minute it frays a bit.
    I want that barrel that Mark Twain talked about for putting teenagers in.
    But this I know. No matter what choices he makes, no matter what road he goes down, no matter how flipping hard it is trying to love him in spite of his choices, I know, I know beyond a showdow of a doubt, that I am a child of God. That my Heavenly Father loves me! That an all loving Savior suffered for me, died for me, and because of that atoning sacrifice, I will be whole again someday. His promises are sure. I love him. And I know he loves me. And I know He loves my errant and disobedient child just as much as he loves me.
    So that gives me hope.
    I'm so sorry about your dad. I can not even begin to imagine what this must be like. If I was there, I would trow my arms around you and cry with you. Feel the hug.
    I love to come and read you posts. They make me smile, cry, and laugh right out loud! Thank you for sharing the love via blog land. Your faith strengthened mine today.
    Hugs. Lewaina Nelson
    PS here's a blog I follow and love, House of Whimsy. Mary Lou's mom had Alzheimer's. While her mom was alive she did a post every wednesday entitled Wednesdays with my Mom. They were some of my favorite posts. Here's the link.
    http://thehouseofwhimsy.blogspot.com/search/label/Wednesdays%20with%20my%20Mom

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  11. http://thehouseofwhimsy.blogspot.com/
    I gave you the link to the Wednesday's posts, here's the link to her blog.

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  12. Blessed are the poor in spirit for they shall receive the kingdom of God. Jesus establishes you in his rightousness and on him the rock we can take a stand. I struggle too feeling like the doubleminded man unstable in all his ways. Then I remind myself that I have not built my house upon sinking sands, I have built upon the rock. Jesus LOVES ME THIS I KNOW. No wonder our children are carefree and happy. They easily receive this truth and believe it. Jesus loves you Janie Fox.

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  13. i'm on the back side of some tragedies... all i can say, is that Jesus is faithful to comfort those who mourn. just like He says in Matthew 5. and i'm with you, it's really a joy to think about being in eternity without any pain. hang in there sweet gal. He's carrying you.

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  14. Alzheimer's is an ugly thief and it affects the entire family - I know, cause I have been through it with my Dad. We think my Mom is in the early stages now. At times I so want to share what I am feeling about it on my blog, but my Mom occassionally reads my blog, so I don't dare. You are in a hard season of life, but grab any joy you can find and hang on to it. Life is precious, fleeting and to be lived to the fullest while we are here...I unapolagetically take Paxil. Just an idea.

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  15. Janie, Wait on God when everything is going so crazy, . . . he knows just what he's doing. I know it works every time for me. Trusting him and letting go is the hardest thing to do . . . but it works. He already knows our lives, we just have to live it. For some reason, knowing that gives me a lot of peace in my life. God already knows what we are going to face. Blessings and prayer sent your way, Sandy:O)

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  16. Chin up, Janie. I hope you're feeling nothing but happy soon.

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  17. I feel sad a lot too. Like, a lot A LOT.

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  18. You will never know how and why I needed your honesty in this blog. I normally don't take the time to stop in and read blogs except for my daughter's. However, I'm glad I stopped by. Things have been changing around me lately and like all of us daughter's of God we have our moments when a pity party is just a necessity. I thank God thant He works through others to help us see His power & glory in our lives. May God continue to bless you & encourage you during those times.
    Been through alzheimer's with my dad, I continue to keep your family im my prayers. It it a tough road to travel. There will be none of that in heaven PTL

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Thanks for reading my blather. I read every comment. They make my heart happy!