Tuesday, January 17, 2012

A Stronghold in Times of Trouble

I read a blog tonight by Shannan.
She writes like I want to when I grow up.
She said some things that spoke to me.
I put on a brave face, a lot.
I fake it until I make it.
The truth is I am sad inside 
even when I am happy inside.
I know I sound crazy, but it is true.
 I miss my Dad's true personality.
I am selfish.
I miss my free time.
I miss time to do whatever I want
and not worry about what they are doing.
But they are my folks
and I am so blessed to have them.
I refuse to let the bad things 
that are happening
leave bad/sad memories.
 Instead I am committing to
storing up and treasuring all the good.
But when it is dark and the world is asleep,
the enemy lies to me.
He whispers things I don't want to believe
but sometimes do.
I wander the floors in my old house
and I ponder the what ifs.
Many nights I read inspirational blogs.
I watch TV, clean, do laundry, and sometimes cry.
But if I go to His word...
there I always find comfort.
I wish I could say that is my first choice of action
but many times I plod through the wee hours
spinning my wheels
before I finally seek Him.
The truth is hardships and distress
are the very essence of this decaying world.
I am not alone in troubles.
I don't want to be a whiner.
But I am sad
and I don't like it.
I want a quick fix and there isn't one.
I want to get over myself but I can't...
not on my own.
But when I sit in His presence,
He shines peace into my troubled heart.
He lifts me up from my circumstances
and He gives me hope.
He gives me perspective.
He gives me rest.




22 comments:

  1. If we stay still . . . he just loves on us:O) Happy thoughts kiddo!

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  2. You're not alone. No. Not at all. No. Never.

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  3. beautiful....especially for my heart today. thank you for being honest and tender.

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  4. Dear God, Janie, we are the same person. It's frightening how much of what you wrote applies to me totally and completely. I wish I could hug you right this very second. I love how you put all of that into words. It felt like something I'd WANT to write, but never seem to get the words out. You are...amazing. Thanks for sharing that.

    xoxoxo

    C.A.

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  5. You should probably call me when the enemy is whispering to you in the middle of the night. Same thing here. We could laugh ourselves silly, mocking him. Thanks for the link to Shannan's place. She really is the bomb-diggety.

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  6. Oh Janie, I know just what you mean. The older I get the harder life seems to get and I thought it would get easier. It is very very hard to watch a parent deteriorate and watch the other parent have to take care of them as if they were a child. My MIL is going downhill quickly with Parkinsons and my FIL is still so spry but like you said when we go to the word we find his strength that he intended for us. I need to learn that is the first place to go instead of wallowing and worrying. You are such a delight to so many people.

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  7. And I'm so happy we found each other:)

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  8. You are powerfully honest and say the things that the rest of us dare not admit. Love that about you. Sorry for your sadness, this season too shall pass.

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  9. I'm putting you in my prayer box. Hope you like in there.

    xxoo

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  10. I can definitely relate to how you and Shannan feel and I am saying prayers for you both. Your blog always brings a smile to my face, even when I don't think I can smile. I hope things get better. It is strangely comforting to know I am not the only one who fakes it till they make it. Here's to one day not having to fake anything :-)

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  11. My father had alzheimers. It was hard to watch his personality change. There were parts of his new personality that I liked. He liked me more than he did before. He had always been a drinker and since I don't drink he never had much to do with me. His new personality brought us closer.....I know that seems weird. He was also very funny. I loved it when he would laugh at himself. There were bad times of course, and we knew where it was all headed. It is so hard watching parents go downhill. My mother is 85 and amazing. My MIL is 84 and going downhill.
    I will say some prayers for you so that you feel peace about what you cannot change.

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  12. beautiful post, Janie.
    love you!
    Cheryl

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  13. Shannon's post spoke to me too....I'm always told I'm so upbeat and so positive - but inside I'm a quivering mess of fear and sadness. I am angry at what happened to my son, angry that I can't "fix" it, scared of all the what ifs.

    I pace at night too.... I'll pray for you as you're doing your walk about.......

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  14. This is a hard time, when the parent becomes someone else. Happened with both my parents and it was the hardest time of my life. I tried to accept the "new" them and enjoy what little tidbits I could. It was hard. They were in physical and mental pain. But there is always a tiny bright light in the corner that once in awhile shines on a good moment or two so you can put that in your "this was a good day" box. Sometimes they are far and few between, but when they come it makes all the difference. I totally understand. Ann

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  15. Oh Janie.

    I am wishing peace to your troubled heart.

    Now and in the dark of night.

    Always.

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  16. I can certainly relate to this, Janie.

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  17. The deceiver roams at night and steals people's joy. I've been there before too and it is no fun. Jamie, "all we can do is all we can do". That always comforts me. We are limited, but God is not. HUGZ!!

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  18. Amen and Amen! I too have been laying awake in the wee hours, first fretting and worrying, THEN remembering to turn to Jesus- sigh! I was uplifted and encouraged not only by your post but all of the comments. Thank you!

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  19. Janie, I know it won't help you feel better, but we've all been there in some form or another. I hope He eases your worried mind. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

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  20. You are a very open and honest gal - and believe me - I know what you are talking about - I have been there too. sandie

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  21. Sending prayers to you and your ever growing family. (Congrats!) Hoping His strength is yours and you've been feeling more on the inside like you act on the outside (fun n silly). You do so much for your family and all of us out here following along! Wish we could do more for you.
    xoxo
    Leslie

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Thanks for reading my blather. I read every comment. They make my heart happy!