Saturday, July 28, 2012

Grooming Athletes




I have been down in the back for part of the week.
I wounded myself carrying tubs for the mustache bash 
and then escalated the situation
 with a poor attempt at some kick boxing.
Tuesday I went to lunch
 with my mom, sisters, and daughters.
When we were leaving 
I thought my leg was asleep 
from sitting too long with it crossed.
Later in the day,
 I declared my left sandal was too big 
and I now despised it 
because it flopped when I walked.
Only hours later
after I had showered 
and was greasing up my trunks
did I realize my left calf was numb
and so was the top of that foot.
Captain Observant I am not.
Dr. Abbie has adjusted me.
She has diagnosed 
it is my L5 that is ticked off.
Or Elle Five as I like to call it
because I feel like a woman.
She informed me as the inflammation lessens
the numbness will subside
and pain will start in my low back.
Yup, it has. 
That is why I pay her the big bucks.
Well actually I don't pay her but 
you get my drift.
 I have had to back off parts of my training.
Training for the Olympics, that is. 
My girls and I are gymnastic fans.
It comes from the old HS cheer days.
We like to think of ourselves as retired 
but still able to perform if we inclined to.
Shuttie and give us that.
When they were young
we would gather in front of the TV
with score pads and judge the Miss USA pageant.
If there was a gymnast in the talent portion
that contestant got huge props. 
We have a soft spot for the sport
and judging the participants.
We also are huge Cirque du Soleil fans.
Give us somebody in a leotard in a freak position
and we will pay big bucks to observe.
I am hoping to pass this love on to the littles.
Possibly one day we will have some tumblers
or even some true acrobats.


We are not ones to let a small thing like back jack
stand in our way of preparation.
Plus our uniforms are super fly.




Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Perspective in a Paper Cup



Sunday Maggie, Abbie, and I
loaded up early in the a-yem
and headed north to IKEA.
It is about 3.5 hours north of us.
Maggie needed some things
for the new house that is being constructed.
Abbie needed goods for her new chiro practice office.
I needed stuff wanted to go.
I am more of a flea market girl
but any chance to road trip with my peeps
is a treat I don't wanna miss.
Maggie got dishes, curtains, light fixtures,
a bathroom sink, and a sweet daybed for Caroline.


Abbie got some desk chairs, carts,
and desk supplies.
I got some  dish towels, kids' dishes,
and kids' toys.

We loaded up and headed to lunch about 2:30.
We found a Mongolian Grill
just around the corner.
You pick you noodles or rice,
meat, veggies, sauce,
dump it all in a bowl
and they cook it up on a huge grill
while you watch.
I was thrilled.
I skipped the noodles/rice
got chicken and lots of veggies.
I picked black bean and another sauce 
that I thought looked
healthy and tasty. 
Then you can add in spices.
I decided to put in a bit of red chile flakes
since I like a bit of heat.
I intended to sprinkle
and ended up with more of a dump.
Holy fire in the hole.
It was hotter than 7 hells.
I ate about half
while complaining the whole time
"why didn't I just get teriyaki?
I like teriyaki."
I may have gritched about it for most of the meal.
Mag's pal texted whole we were at lunch and asked if
we could get him a couple of lights 
while we were at IKEA.
We said sure ...we would go back. 
After getting his lights
I told the girls
I was getting a $1 frozen yogurt
to extinguish the raging inferno 
going on in my cake hole.
We all got a drink
and Maggie got a cinnamon bun.
When leaving,
I wanted my picture by the sign.
I wanted to do that fancy photographer look
where it appears like you are holding something up.
Maggie balanced the cart and the refreshments
and Abbie tried to get a good picture.
It required me on tippy toes
and a few tries.

meh.
Not as epic as I had hoped.
You probably need a fancy photographer
and a fancy subject.
I can't care.
I may have looked like a dork
but lucky for me
I was not the only act.
There was a family
assembling an entire dining table,
 chairs and bed
in the parking lot.
I am not sure if they lived in their car or not 
but if so, I am pretty sure they had too big of a bed.
I jest.
I am not sure what their plan was
but they had a mess of kids
and a small trailer behind their van.
It looked like an awesome cool time.
We headed south and I sipped my soda.
I don't drink diet pop much
so I thought maybe it didn't taste good
because I am not used to it.
I said " my pop tastes bad."
Maggie said "mine tastes like 
it doesn't have enough syrup in it."
I said " yeah, you're right...mine tastes like too much carbonation
and not enough syrup"
Abbie said "mine tastes like
a comfortable American life with no real reason to complain." 
Cracked me flat up.
Amen sister.
Amen.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Death by text



I have an Iphone.
She is a smart phone.
My very own Suze Orman.
Smart but annoying.
A smart phone who daily 
makes me look like an idiot.
The autocorrect feature is something
I cannot get used to.
I am a texter.
Big time.
I am always flying around
like my hair is on fire,
therefore I love texting.
No time spent talking on the phone.
I can multi task and get even more done.
Truth be told I would probably
do a better job at everything
if I didn't try to do so many tasks at once.
It could be why I am always
finding things I have half-assed.
Like wiping out the fridge
only to come back in an hour 
to find the bottle of syrup
on it's side with the lid partially open
on  a shelf that is not removeable.
Now that is a lovely surprise.
Especially when you haven't had pancakes in six months.
Even sweeter,
cleaning it all up
only to come back in an hour and step in a puddle of it
you didn't seem to notice. 
But during all the syrup havoc I have 
texted aprox. 23 times.
But I digress.
The moral of the story is autocorrect.
I cannot remember to look at my message before 
I hit send.
I am sending dandy messages.
I told Abbie that
I was a toy train.
I have no idea what I was really wanting to say.
I text "fave" and it says "Dave"
and the receiver wonders who is Dave?
Every time I want to say "do"
the blasted thing says "Di."
Now I did love the Princess but 
I have moved on since her death.
Stuart was putting up the ceiling
on Maggie's new house's porch
one really hot Sunday morning.
I went to church and he texted me 
on  his ancient phone
the one and only text
that he always sends...
the only one he knows how to send...
"how u doing"
I was working in the church coffee shop.
I thought I texted back
"good, working at church."
But instead I texted back
"good, whoring at church"
Nice.
I have re-named my smart phone
Smart-ass phone.
She is killing me
one text at a time.

 
 
 
 

Monday, July 16, 2012

What I Know For Sure 24th Edition



1. 24 editions of WIKFS means I must know more than we all thought. I am not an idiot. I just play one for Jackie's amusement.

2. Scoring $90 sandals in a clearance sale for $40 is a good thing.
It leaves me extra moolah for the band-aids to treat the blisters they cause. 



3. July in IL makes me truly understand Stuart's colloquialism "People in hell want ice water".

4. Katie Holmes finally quit drinking the Koolaid.

5. J Lo and Steven Tyler are both leaving American Idol.
The only saving grace for Fox that I can foresee is to replace them with  Kim Kardashian and Bruce Jenner. She covers the loss of the  big booty and he fills in the spot of old dude who looks like a lady.


6. Charlie Sheen has a new show in the fall line-up. I can't care.


7.  When I am frightened by a snake in the yard I scream sounding much the same as a twelve year old boy.


8. Don't take your good health for granted. They don't make pills for everything.


9. I love when I hear little kids singing while they are playing.
I sing while I work. I sing like a rabbit caught in a trap. Now I know where my grand daughter Aubrie gets her vocal talent.

10.  An Andy Griffith marathon is balm to my soul.


11. A Sunday morning flea market/antique show is a good reason to leave home before 6.Getting up at 3:40 out of excitement and anticipation for a flea market is a great way to assure you will have the face to get a senior discount admittance without even trying. Discovering there is no senior discount admittance at the flea market makes you re-think your sleep deprivation and avoid mirrors.

12. I didn't sleep but I did snag a sweet glider. Jealous much??



13. Buying three anteater vacuums is cheaper and much more fun than calling Terminix. They even have a storage compartment with a magnifying glass that disengages so you can examine your catch.
#whosaysyoucan'tbuyfavegrandmastatus






14. I recently gave myself the Native American name, Woman Dragging Hose. I then changed it to Woman Cussing Hose. 


15. My genius husband suggested buying soaker hoses. Some problems you can throw money at. 


16. I have forgotten to purchase soaker hoses 3 times when I visited the store. I need to put it on a shopping list and then write it on my hand. That would also be genius.


17. Throwing a "mustache bash" baby shower for Abbie and having her cry while thanking everyone makes me happy. Gotta love a raging hormone.






18. Hanging with my homies is the best time ever.




19. Given my dead hormones I could probably grow the real 'stache in a week. #damnyoudeadestrogen



 20. I still don't Twitter but I do love to hashtag everything.
#pretendingtobecoolerthanIam


( Blogger is jacked up. I have a misspelling at the bottom of the page and I cannot get it to scan up so I can delete this or the huge gap. The comment box is way down there too!))












bigfbig booty and

Monday, July 9, 2012

Like mother, like daughter and I need a hormone.



This past weekend there was a special event for our family.
My dad's youngest brother, Uncle Jimmy
 had a birthday.
His kids threw a bash to celebrate
his birthday on July 7th.
He was born on the 7th day of the 7th month.
He was the 7th son.
This year he was 77 years old.
Now that calls for a party. 
Unless the number 7 scares you.

 (thanks cuz, I stole this from facebook)

There was cake and ice cream.
I was a bit disappointed.
I thought there might be 7-layer salad and
 Seagrams's 7 and 7UP to drink.
Now that'd be a party.
I don't care where you are 
there's nothing like the combination of 
liquor, lettuce, and elderly relatives 
to make a shindig come alive.
On second thought 
cake and iced tea made more sense.

 I took my camera and my grand daughter Penelope.


Her sister, Caroline had a date with her mom
to view the movie Brave.
I picked up my mom, Toots
and we headed out.
It was a cool 104 degrees.
We visited with the family and had a great time.
When I was about half way home my niece, Ellen called me.
She was supposed to give me a package 
that I had asked her to bring to the party.
She remembered after we had gone our separate ways.
We both forgot about it even though
we discussed it before we got there.
We blamed the heat and our heredity.
After I got home,
my mom called and said I had left my cell phone
at the party and my cousin would drop it at Jackie's.
I busted out laughing.
I said "it isn't mine..you just called me on my cell."
She was tickled at herself
and went to call my cousin back.
I had to call Ellen and tell her 
what a goof Mom was.
"Haha" we cackled at her silliness.
"We get it honest" blah blah blah.
"Oh and the heat, oh yeah" hehehehe
As soon as I hang up 
Mom called again.
"It isn't your cell phone... it is your camera."
Craps.
Hello Pot, this is Kettle.
 The bad news is I forgot to take pictures at the party.
The good news is I did remember the baby.







Thursday, July 5, 2012

A winner and a shallow opinion



The winner was announced for bootcamp 
and it was my friend Jen.
The one I told you about.
She lost 70 lbs in 20 weeks.
She is an inspiration.
I am thrilled for her.
I got an  honorable mention.
Hells yeah!
The best part is my Stuart gave me a 
sizable check for my charities.
Boom.
42 pounds lost and a man who loves me
and knows what is most important.
See, I did win! 

In other news 
I am in love with the new Dallas.
I have but one question to ask...
what is with the weird eye situations??
Suellen has some kind of growth 
 by her one eye that is not being hidden by her bangs
no matter  how hard she tries.
Christopher's wife has a large scar between her brows
 She is beautiful but it is distracting.
Then of course,
JR with the two white kittens he is using as brows.
On top of all that, throw in Cliff Barnes with
his eyes that look like 2 burnt holes in a blanket.  


It is disturbing me.
Am I the only one?
Call me petty,
but I am just keeping it real folks.
I mean there is a huge pool of great looking actors  
who would probably would love to be on this show.
Lucky for TNT
they have Christopher.
He is  their saving grace.

Can I get an amen?